She Found Her Voice

I am in the middle of a quarter life crisis. Yes, I just got married, no, I do not have any children to stress about, I am not paying a mortgage, and I have a job. What could I possibly have to worry about, besides myself? The answer is nothing. But when you are forced to only worry about yourself for an extended period of time, you are faced with two choices. The first is to distract yourself from the voices inside your head telling you things you never wanted to hear; the second, is to listen to their message. I call my reminder voice Hagatha. She is always pestering me, “Meal plan and exercise, you’re going to get diabetes!”, “Get your oil changed!” “Save money!”. Hagatha is my inner mom, constantly reminding me to take care of myself. She has been overpowered most of my life by Veronica, my personal bully, who is excellent at reminding me how much I suck. “You can not focus on anything long enough to succeed!”, “There is no excuse for this behavior!”.

Do not worry, I am not schizophrenic ,these two voices are just a metaphor for my conscious self, a self I am not very happy with. I have spent the beginning of my early adulthood suppressing the voices, like most of us do. I worked overtime every week, got lost in obsessing over helping other people, and depended on my husband for providing me with self love. The voices got angry and I became exhausted from fighting. I let them infest my neurons with feelings of guilt, hopelessness, false euphoria, and anger. I tried to trick them with caffeine and other neurotransmitters but they would come back as soon as all of the available molecules made a synaptic click. I wanted anything but to feel, so I decided to ask for help. It was the only way for me to get the fix I always turn to when life doesn’t make sense, information. I began attending sessions with a cognitive behavioral therapist to act as mediator between Hagatha and Veronica, in order to sort out the meaning behind their presence in my life.

Not long after I began organizing, cooking, nature walking, and losing weight. Hagatha was winning with the help of my therapist and I. Like an intimate fog stress enveloped my neatly planned and well-executed life. Unexpected and perfectly packaged like a personalized gift addressed directly to Veronica. She screamed so violently I felt it in every cell of my being. Hives emerged, mood swings became commonplace, and my eyes drooped from the weight of constant tears. I tried fighting, but I lost. My only method from myself, defense. If I could not win I would at least go down fighting. Every moment of life became a battlefield, a chance to pull the pin on my emotional grenade. All intellect hid behind memories of a life I was grieving that I had not yet lived. I settled for my mental diagnosis to define me. Sabrina Barbosa, sufferer of post traumatic stress disorder, generalized anxiety, attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity, and major depressive disorder, aka Bipolar I disorder.

My diagnosis was my golden ticket to living my life and instead I used it to define me. Blindly I followed my feelings into a grave of hopelessness six feet closer to losing my chance at life. But like a sliver of sunshine across a darkened bedroom carpet, I recognized a third voice. One I never heard before. She was kind, forgiving, rational, and intelligent. Once I heard her I became obsessed with searching for her origin, but each step closer I encountered more horrible feelings. Feelings which induced unpredictable thought paralysis, placing me in dangerous situations, even during routine activities such as driving my car. My unidentifiable voice became louder urging me to focus on saving myself. My curiosity got the best of me, I began listening for her when the other representatives took a breath. I found her to be quite the scientist. She looked at my life objectively,  for the sole purpose of benefiting me. How selfish she was, Hagatha was quick to remind me, with her motto humility portrays kindness. My desire for my information fix became toxic. It was all I could do to listen to this elusive influence. But the more she uncovered the more I felt, what an awful feeling of rebirth. I felt the pain of my pet praying mantis nymphs, as she forced me to rapidly molt into self discovery. To no longer be a slave to my emotional defense mechanisms previously referred to has Hagatha and Veronica. She taught me what it was like to feel true love, and self pride, two feelings that outweighed all of the negative. Her name is Sabrina and I am glad I finally found her.There are many fields one could possibly enter to help others. But there is only one for me, becoming a PA. Growing up in a large family plagued by mental illness was and is not an easy task. But it has allowed me to uncover the why in other’s behaviors and discover humanity in the answers. I have accepted my undeniable needs for altruism and understanding the human condition in order to live a gratifying life.

This blog is my selfish attempt at self acceptance and discovery. I may say things that you do not agree with, things that may offend your life values, things that you never thought I would say, and I already feel guilty about this (I am working on that). But suppressing my emotions until they boil over onto my life is no longer a safe option, it really never was. So here I am open as always to everything, feel free to comment, complain, consume, whatever it is you need. If you would rather do it privately send me an email: sabbarbosa91@gmail.com. My only hope for publishing my inner thoughts is to reach out to others who can relate and find company in this confusing yet beautiful life.